Tuesday, March 15, 2011, ϟ 0 shout(s)
I’ve have been beaten, broken, and pushed down by life and obstacles my entire life. None of that fazes me anymore. It’s just another part of my life that I’d feel weird without. But I do hurt. I do know what it feels like to feel pain and feel like the most lost of causes. It’s the most delicate killer there is out there; love. I have let myself fall hard too many times and I am not going to lie to you, I am not stronger because of it. No way in hell. If anyone says they are a stronger person after getting their heart ripped out is lying to you. It’s the biggest lie there is out there next to “I’m fine”. I am much weaker because of these heartbreaks. Another thing is that I can honestly say I’m still not over them either. Sure, I’ve moved on. But it only takes one thing to bring me back to hurting again. Do you know what I’m talking about? That small trigger that takes you back to a certain memory or feeling? Like a song, a note, a place, a gift, anything that would make those old feelings resurface. Memories of happiness and laughter. Where did they go? When did this happen? Looking back I can see where the happiness left, but at the time I couldn’t. Love, what a wicked word. It makes you do the dumbest things but yet, I can honestly say I regret nothing. I don’t know what love is, I’m only sixteen. But my perception of love changes daily. One day, it’s hope; pretty colors and happy songs in the spring time while holding hands in the car and laughing. The next it’s a monster; coldness and dark skies in pure daylight while riding in silence with tension filling the car. So what can we do; run from love forever and live the rest of your life alone or just accept the consequences and prepare for the worst? I don’t know. I normally run from love, it terrifies me. Granted, I do tell friends and family I love them, but that’s different. I’m talking about that completely raw and vulnerable love; standing naked in front of a crowd with your flaws written next to you on a card on display for the entire world to see. That whole hearts racing, pulse fast, sweaty palms kind of love. The one thing I will say I am proud about with my past encounters with relationships is that I don’t have any regrets. Those dumb, love fueled actions and sayings just make me laugh when I look back on them. Little cheek bites, being called “baby” “princess” or “kiddo”, stupid inside jokes, piggy back rides through the park, and sneaking out to see each other, all of those things are things that will stay with you the rest of your life. But what’s funny about these little “things” you had is, you can’t bring them with you to the next relationship. They are unique to that person. It’s what makes you miss them. Its societies fault for ruining love for this generation; they set our standards way too high. All of the love songs and chick flicks make us want the “Prince Charming”. Here’s the secret, the people you do end up falling for are much better than any writer could create because they are real, this is reality. That’s what makes it great; you get to live through the good times instead of watching or hearing about it. As I said before though, my view on love isn’t always so optimistic, but for now I’d say to go for it. I’m glad that when I’m older I will be able to look back on these and regret nothing; I’d relive all of them if I could. Relationships are like being the main character in your favorite movie every day, but all movies don’t end the same. Some you will ride off into the sunset with your Prince, others you find yourself building up those walls again just for someone else to come and knock back down.
new past