Its been awhile, again.

school has started and right now its the end of week 9, out of the 14 week in school before finals. So many things has happened during these months, some things which I'm not proud of, and some things which keeps me going on everyday.

Maybe I should get back to writing my thoughts and feelings here, so I don't blurt it out whenever i'm upset, causing the exact thing I don't want to happen, happen.

What has happened to me? What has happened to the carefree 16 year old that wanted nothing but to rule the world and be happy? What has happened to my goals and ambitions? Have I lost sight of them just because I'm such a loser when it comes to love? Does nothing else matter except to hear you and for you to say that you're still here for me no matter my flaws?

So many times I want to give up, walk away, hide from you because I don't want to you to see me at my lowest, I think about whatever we've done for the past almost-4 years together.. Memories that have pulled me through my toughest times and through my fears. But yet so many times you tell me that person isn't you anymore-you've changed. You're no longer the same person that was so crazy about me about us about our relationship.Yet, I kept holding on, refusing to give up no matter how difficult you made it for me...but is this how you're going to be till I eventually let go?

It still takes time for me to understand we're both seeing the same thing differently, to understand your needs and the way you manage us..But are you? Are you accepting me for who I am as well? Or are you comparing me to your recruits who look up to you/other girls whom seem so perfect because you have not managed to break them down, just like you did to me? Isn't this our relationship? Isn't this something we have chosen to embark on together? How come every obstacle every challenge every quarrel I'm the one going to you? How come you no longer go to us? How come you choose to stay out late with some other girl you barely know till late playing on a see-saw? How come my feelings mean just so little to you? I'm super super super disappointed/hurt/sad/tired. I'm tired of fighting with you, for you.

I don't want to fight with you, for you, because you're meant to be mine, just like how i'm yours.


Back to pretending everything's fine, because you hate it whenever I tell you how I feel...
new past