:'( :/ :(
I think I'm just too bad at words that I end up conveying a message I didn't mean too. Or that I end up saying it in a way that J will misunderstand.

It's been a hell of a week/month/January. Had just so many quarrels with J almost on everything and it has been taking a toil on us.

Am I wrong for being upset? That I only get to see J once a week and we agreed that I'll go together w him to nick's house, just so we can meet each other this week before he books in? Well I didn't go in the end. J didn't call me to go in the end. I got permission to go for nothing. I spent the entire evening of the first day on Chinese new year waiting for J to call me to tell me he's on the way to meet me so that we can go together. No text no call nothing. Then a text came at 3am, telling me that he's sorry- his phone went blank, that he should have used someone's phone to call or text me. But why didn't he? Why didn't J do it? I just feel so....insignificant, that I'm nothing more than a substitute to everything else to J. That got me..really hurt but I just said I didn't want to talk to him. And he replied w a sorry. Then I said just go sleep. Afterwards I typed a really long text about him/us about me being disappointed that I was treated so badly(about half an hour later) when I saw....him liking another girl picture on instagram. Like awhile after he replied w the sorry. :'( was he really sorry? Cause why? Why did he not reply me further or pursue the matter knowing I'm upset? Why did j choose to dust our problems under the carpet? Why did he spend time looking at other girls when he already is attached....so many thoughts, so many feelings came surging out. I burst into tears....

J and I have been together since the day he finished his last science paper in secondary school. We got through jc together and now he's in army(almost finished) and I'm in the university. But so many times... I feel that because we had s already, it's like time's up for me. It's like I know he's not like that. But really before we did it, it was as though we were made for each other. Now...it just feels like j's only w me for the physical part. I kept asking if he loves me.. And he said he does... But why why can't he show me? Why does he always tell me the things I don't want to hear? Like he just said "I think it's better for you to lead a life without me." this is not what I want! This is never what I thought of... But j keeps thinking that way. I really can't do it anymore you know? Like on the surface I keep having to be tough, to pretend I'm fine. But I'm just so torn inside? Do you know how that feels? I've already tried ending this a few times whenever we quarrel by taking pills... But it's harmful. It's also working against me cause j thinks I'm doing it just to test him, which I'm not. I just need the pain to stop can you all understand?

Right now he's w his friends again. He met them yesterday and he's meeting them today. He didn't initiate to meet me at all...
I just feel so broken :( so sad so miserable. So misunderstood. Hurt. I wish all this could go away and he'll be back to the person I once knew, treating me like the princess, the owner of his heart.

I don't know what I am to J now...
new past