I am awake although I only managed to put myself to sleep after 3am.. How my body/mind have always automatically jolt me awake whenever my heart feels like this. And then I would hurry get ready so the moment you wake up, I'll be there at your place..getting you to talk to me..

But I can't go now. You'll get mad. I'll be making things difficult for both of us because you've decided..

Yesterday I fought ever urge in my soul not to text you, cause I don't want you to worry, I don't want you to see how weak I am, I don't want you to see how I stumble every step without you.. Probably the only thing that made me smile(and laughed) was when I read this little space past entries. From just before I met you and when it was official.. We shared something that we may never experience again. We were so simple, but blissfully happily in love. 

I spent my afternoon digging up on my collection of Archie comics..trying to occupy my mind with other thoughts besides you..But who was I kidding..the harder I tried, the more I thought about you. Well I guess I'm not complaining since its natural to do so..But I hope you're not thinking of me..I want you to be happy. I owe you that.

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on a side note, qihang( haven't met since before uni) and I met for dinner ytd for his (sort of) 21st(late) dinner. I really really wanted to bail out cause I don't want you to think I'm moving on or that I am happy. I am not the least bit ready. But I couldn't cause staying at home would be killing myself. I know you want me to be happy too and I will try because I promised you.. Well since I was deciding on near home since I didn't want to drive(too dangerous with my mind fully occupied with you- I almost crashed twice on Friday night when i drove my sister to the library). Jap food was automatically the choice( I finished so many bars of chocolates :/ ). Darren joined us awhile later for desserts @ udders and I thought okay I'm full and tired so I would be able to sleep. Exhaustion causes my body to shut down when my mind doesn't want to but still I guess my mind is really powerful on things that are important and I ended up watching 2 movies before my body is finally drained from any inch of energy. (Please don't mention how horrible I look with swollen eyes and larger eye bags)

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Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.